Friday, May 25, 2012

Playing the Waiting Game

Well, we have officially passed 38 weeks and are now within 2 weeks of our due date. But still no baby. Its not that we actually expected the baby to come by this time, or really anytime soon, but our lives have definitely slowed to a grinding pace as we anxiously await the coming of our first child. It is strange not knowing when she will arrive. There is no other big event in life (other than death) that you can't plan ahead of time and generally know what to expect. But with this...we have no idea. We don't know what day she will come...or what time she will come...or how big she will be...or how difficult labor will be...or that she will even be a she (let's hope the ultrasound tech wasn't wrong or our boy will have a lot of pink outfits!!).

We have done all we can to ready ourselves for parenthood, but now we get to sit and wait. We've read the books, taken the classes, had the showers, bought the stuff, decorated the room, cleaned the house, and packed the birth bag, but I'm sure nothing would ever truly prepare us for the blessed and welcomed responsibility of caring for a fragile, little life.

On another note, this weekend marks the first time that having a child (or being close) has forced us to say no to an activity that we wish we could do. This will be the first Memorial Day Weekend of our marriage that we are not traveling out of town for some sort of camping trip or vacation. Many of our friends are heading to Whistler, British Columbia for a weekend of fun and mountain biking, but we had to decline their invitation since we are so close to delivery. I must admit that, while I am immensely excited to be a dad, this change does not come without a great sense of loss and grief in the transition between one way of living and another. I liked my life. I liked being able to take off for the mountains on a beautiful Saturday without a care in the world. I liked the spontaneity of hurrying off to our favorite restaurant just before happy hours ends. I liked being in control of my own schedule. I liked my freedom.

I hesitate in writing what I just did for fear of looking like a terrible parent, but I am positive I am simply naming aloud the thoughts and feelings of most expectant parents. I am sure I will quickly settle into a new, amazing routine and rhythm with my child, but I first just need to acknowledge the loss and pain that this new transition has brought with it. It's not easy. It's not always going to be fun. There are going to be times I will wish I could just go back to the way it was before. But there are of course going to be a million magical moments that I wouldn't trade for the world. And those are the moments I am currently longing for. Enough of this waiting. I want my little girl to be here!

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